While it is true Von Jangles has ignored his blog of late, he has returned with a video of an epic beer save. During PT Performance Training’s annual Penticton training camp Von Jangles was set upon by Rippy Raptor, luckily his blazing speed and evasion techniques saved his Corona and him from injury.
What is Rippy Raptor? Smelted in the bowels of hell, Rippy Raptor is the foul combination of an Aero helmet and Rippy Jips, sometimes referred to as Rippenstein. Many a night the Otter and Jangles were roused from their slumber by the eerie sounds of this prehistoric animal foraging for food and trying to break into our room.
Defeating Rippy Raptor
How does one defeat Rippy? Well the answer came to us during a talk with local Penticton legend Steve King, where he taught us how to unzip the Heart Chakra / Thymus gland. After luring Rippy Raptor into Lake Okanagan, the Otter and Jangles used classic hunting techniques to lure Rippy into a trap. Distracted Jangles went in for the kill unzipping her wetsuit and reversing her Heart Chakra. As the Otter and Jangles made their get away, violent cries of anguish could be heard as Rippy sunk into the Lake. RIP Rippy Raptor
Did Jangle’s predict the winner of the Bachelor? No, Jangles omnipotence was brought into question when Brad picked Emily over Chantal
After watching the “After the Rose” special, was it clear to the world that Jangle’s pick was the right choice? Yes, its obvious Brad doesn’t read my blog and heed my wisdom.
The show highlighted a few points…women fall for sob stories and Ashley is going to be the worst Bachelorette in history. You couldn’t pay Jangles enough money to watch her in the Bachelorette. Then again Jangle’s doesn’t watch the Bachelorette, the concept of 25 men chasing 1 women is flawed. This may be harsh but my skin crawls when I see pictures of Ashley H. I bet she cries in every episode. Women were all cheering for Emily to win, but solely based on her sad story, while totally ignoring her downsides. While Chantal was clearly better for Brad but didn’t have a sad story.
To conclude Brad made himself look pretty weak trying to rescue a relationship that I guarantee won’t last. If it does last I feel even worse for him as he will have locked himself into an eternity of hell. I alluded to Emily being a wolf in sheep’s clothing and its obvious she is the type of girl who will always get her way and will refuse to budge an inch . Brad looks pretty desperate and will waste his life away chasing Emily.
Well Jangle’s streak of predicting Bachelor is over, it seems I’m only good at predicting finalists. Since most of the Bachelor couples break up, maybe Jangle’s picks have been right all along.
Swim Faster Flounder (Mike) its the Evil Little Mermaid (Cobra)
The third and potential final race of the Mer Cristalline Serpent Race is due to take place tomorrow morning at 8:45am. Currently Jangles has a solid 2-0 lead over the Cobra, and is hoping to cement the series victory with a huge upset. Bookies have the race odds at 40-1 for a Jangles victory.
One Week to go!
The Bachelor concludes next week, and everyone in Jangle’s Land will find out if his predictions are right again. Rumour has it there may only be one person in Jangle’s Land, although Charlie Sheen claims he’s been there too. Is Jangle’s winning? Check back next week for my season finale post entitled Bachelor: Jangles Told You So!
This weeks Bachelor was the episode where they bring back the women that lost and make them cry in front of a national audience. Men don’t like crying, therefore Jangle’s was forced to edit the Bachelor using his PVR’s fast forward button. Was there anything juicy in the episode?
Mer Cristalline Serpent Race 2 Report
In an epic battle of good vs. evil only one Mongoose could survive. A shout out to the Cobra aka Darth for producing an amazing video of her loss to Jangles. To clear up any of the accusations made during the video credits, yes it was Feb. 21st but the rest were lies. There is no cheating under the eyes of the “Emperor”!
Did Jangles use periodization to prepare for the race? Yes he prepared for the race by periodizing during the work out, one might say a tactically astute move. Did he swim 2km, yes during his warm up drafting behind the Otter to conserve energy. Overall swim was 3.5km about 500m shorter than Cobra’s. If I was as fast as Cobra I would swim 4km too, don’t hate me cause I’m slow. Was Snake on the menu February 21st, watch the video to find out.
While it is true, Jangles will require time away from his ladies and flippers to compete in race 2 of the Mer Cristalline Serpent, he has found exclusive footage of the first race between “The Mongoose” (Jangles) and “the Cobra” (Cobra).
Bookies have slashed the odds, as rumours swirl of Coach Noa having to leave the pool pre-race, abadoning the Cobra to her fate. Stories emanating from Jangles training camp have him making a miraculous recovery from his cold, while he has denied all allegations of wrongdoing, stemming from talk of attempts to fatten the Cobra using Bubby’s muffins and gluten free pizza dough.
Will Snake be on the menu tomorrow morning? Stay tuned for the race results.
Can the Cobra Strike Back?
The Cobra has challenged Von Jangles to their third head to head swimming match, which is due to take place on February 21st, after their swim workout. The challenge rules are as follows: Jangles gets a 5 second head start and the Cobra has to swim without goggles. The stakes for this match are a coffee and a Bubby’s Chocolate Quinoa Muffin.
Came across this after a few “La Fin du Monde’s” 9% perfect for a triathlete a six pack will last you all week. On a beer drinking note I recommend anything from Unibroue in Quebec, I’d buy their beers purely on their bottle designs. Check out Maudite, who wouldn’t buy a beer with a bunch of crazy Quebecois who made a pact with the devil.
Manchester is Red!
In one of the biggest games of the season, Wayne Rooney delivered the goal of the season! Lets just say Jangles jumped off the couch so hard to celebrate he almost re-injured his hamstring. But that didn’t stop him from doing a little dance of joy. Oddly my heart rate during the goal celebrations will be higher than my bike ride later today.
On a side note, last time I attempted an over head kick in soccer I dislocated my shoulder for the 2nd time. Luckily it popped back in, when I leaned on it too hard in the ER waiting room. Fellow patients looked on in bewilderment as I got up and checked out of the hospital.
Michael Brown on 
Jangles on